Australia’s Minister for Acceptable Public Behaviour and National Betterment has advised exercising caution in judging the nation’s etiquette during the first month of 2016.
“We’re still on our break, and the performance of parliamentarians and citizens is best forgotten during January, in fact it is government policy to redact all records of poor behaviour.”
The Minister deemed the behaviour of Jamie Briggs and Peter Dutton, as “inadmissable” in terms of being fodder for cultural cringe.
When pressed on David Leyonhjelm’s Twitter feed, the minister offered shrugs and hiccoughs, and proceeded to polish off a schooner of XXXX.
In regards to incidents relating to racism, sexism, and (domestic) violence, the Minister extinguished a cigarette before outlining the government’s position.
“It is in the country’s best interest to effectively write-off January.
“The situation is only going to get worse before it gets better.
“After much debate, it has been seen that the best course of action is to put the proverbial blinkers on until after Australia Day.
“We can’t, in good conscience, allow our history to recollect any incident occurring on or between the Melbourne Cup and February first – we’d be a laughing stock in the international community.”
The Minister referred to their action plan for the reduction of Australia’s collective face-palming.
“It is our intention to enter moments of national disgrace into a publicly accessible document – in February.”
The opposition has long campaigned for the incumbent government to act on their calls for greater attention to idiocy, harassment, and thug-ery.
The Opposition Minister for Drawing Attention to Inexcusable Asshole-ery stated, “inattention is inexcusable. We must reflect upon these moments of embarrassment and shame in order to improve.”
The government issued a statement in response, that read, simply, “We will…in February. February is now officially when New Years’ resolutions are implemented.
“The Ministry foresees a plethora of parliamentary gaffes and drunken violence before the month is out. Let’s just forget about them.”
The Prime Minister declined to comment, but did publish a picture of his penis to Instagram.