“You f***ing tw*t of a thing!”
– Me, while sewing
You know what I’m sick of?
If your answer to my question was ‘most things’ – then I’d wager you’ve met me before.
That said, what I’m presently sick of, is being told things are easy.
Follow this easy tutorial, she said.
Anywho, I’ve got this skirt that I love.
It’s stretchy and black – so, that’s pretty much enough reason for me to love an article of clothing. Oh, and it’s comfy as flip.
It’s from Cotton On, and they don’t make it any more. Devastating, I know. Also, it’s probably too short and skanky now…
In my supreme arrogance, I think to myself – “yeah, I reckon I can make that.”
So, I present to you, my faux tutorial, on how to make a stretchy skirt.
Let’s get started
You will need:
- stretchy yoga pants fabric
- thread and what not
- probably a sewing machine
- an inflated sense of your own capacity to make stuff
Lay a skirt shape on the fabric that you purchased.
Pretend you’ve got a vague idea what you’re doing and draw a seam allowance around the outside of your skirt – start with a ruler and a fabric pencil thing.
Freak out, for no real good reason, apart from the fact that you feel this weird guilt about not using a pattern, and attempt to make a pattern – using baking paper.
Side note – if I were to do this again. For the love of god, I’d cut the waist band differently.
The pointy bit needs to be concave on the fold, so that the sew-y together bit matches to the guts of the skirt. I have zero spatial reasoning and didn’t figure this out the first time around, despite feeling as though I should attempt to create a *open air bunnies* pattern *close air bunnies.*
Cut out the fabric.
Sew the main skirt-y bits together.
Curse, a lot. Especially, given that you’ve realised you should have sewn the waist-band to the main skirt-y bits first, and then sewn the sides together.
Unpick enough of the sides, so you can jam the waist-band-y bit on. Swear some more.
Who the flip called it a ‘quick-unpick’ by the way? A d*****-bag, that’s who.
Cry while sewing the waist-band on, and the sides back up.
Realise that somehow you’ve managed to sew the ‘wrong’ sides together, and the waistband hem-join-thing is now on the outside. Reminisce about that one time, in year eight, when you made pyjama pants inside-out, with legs a foot long, and legs three foot long…
Unpick the sides of the skirt.
Reminisce about your old home economics teacher that used to threaten to string girls up to the fans by their toes when they misbehaved.
Try sewing the whole thing together the right way.
Reminisce about the time a girl in your home ec class put a sewing machine needle clean through her finger.
Try it on.
You get extra points for the following:
a) having a filthy bathroom
b) trying the ‘garment’ on with an offensive shirt you purchased when you were fifteen.
c) crying when you realise it was more than a decade since you were fifteen.
This pseudo-tutorial also represents a ‘shove-it-up-your-biscuit’ to Portmans, who are currently selling a skirt that won’t fit my bum in it.